This week, the WWN explores the frontiers of psychiatry:
SEXPOT psychiatrist Dr. Cynthia Mesner turns timid and tittering geeks into swaggering studs with an exciting new psychiatric technique that relies on the Freud-like power of her 38-DD breasts!Dammit, where was Dr. Cynthia when I was in high school???
"Deep-trance modification therapy with mammary adjunct" -- or "nip-notism," as the unorthodox doctor herself prefers to call the technique -- "is useful" in lulling nerds, Weird Harolds and other girl-shy guys into an altered state.
As they continue to stare helplessly at her fully-exposed fun bags -- that's right, she works topless -- Mesner breathlessly whispers a series of "post nip-notic" suggestions that her patients will obey long after she's snapped them out of their trance.
"I tell them they're 'hunky' and 'stud muffins' and say that everywhere they go, they'll drive women wild with desire," Mesner, of Columbia, S.C., told Weekly World News exclusively.
"The technique is far more effective than conventional hypnotherapy. Just getting these young men to look at my chest after I pop the buttons on my blouse is a major accomplishment.
The curvy 32-year-old doctor and former Watermelon Queen says she developed nip-nosis after noticing that men who asked for help with women often couldn't bring themselves to make eye contact with her.
"One morning I was counseling a young man who wouldn't stop staring at the floor so I walked around my desk and lifted his head up with my right hand and forced him look at me," she recalls.
"He was fighting to turn away, so I ripped off my blouse and bra with my left hand and screamed at him, 'Look! Look! They're shirt puppies, yes -- but they won't bite you!'
"He calmed down instantly and, believe it or not, his voice dropped two octaves, from a tittering falsetto to a rich baritone.
"I knew then and there I was on to something.
"So I went to work to develop the full nip-notic technique that I'm using today, which is a marriage of otherwise conventional hypnotherapy, psychoanalysis and 'tough love' techniques."
The sizzling psychiatrist charges $250 an hour for her services and there's a wait of up to six months for an appointment. She accepts insurance and, amazingly, most companies pay for nip-notic sessions.
"Dr. Cynthia took me from dud to stud in just one session," testifies one ex-nerd.
"At the age of 24, I was a virgin who'd never even been out on a date. And now, just six weeks after she nip-notised me, I've got 18 'babe notches' in the headboard over my bed."
(Oh. Right. Grade school. Nevermind.)