Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

I sense a Sci-Fi Original Movie in the making...
CLARKE, Idaho -- In a series of startling events, potatoes on farms in Idaho have suddenly developed intelligence and are on the move.

"I was cultivating the back row of taters when I saw them blinking their eyes and pointing their vines at me," said noticeably upset farmer Floyd Haywood. "I ran and got my boys but by then the spuds had stopped moving. They figgered I'd been sippin' potato moonshine until we went to harvest the crop. That was when those big Idahos -- there was seven of 'em -- just pulled themselves from the dirt and rolled into a gully to try and get away.

"We didn't even have time to scratch our heads," Haywood went on. "We chased them with a big burlap sack and overtook them before they could reach the road. Their roots were waving around like little fingers. We suspect they were gonna hitch a ride to Starchless County."


Local Idaho DOA bureau chief, Dave Bauman, told Weekly World News, "This is not an isolated incident. Potatoes around the country have mutated and are on the move. There have been more than 20 cases this week alone. Test results show that it's likely the result of a new fertilizer produced by Chloro-Grow Labs." Chloro-Grow spokesman Chip Plantagent denied the charges. "It's true we are marketing a new fertilizer," he said in a prepared statement. "But 'Page Peat' was designed to grow larger, tastier potatoes, not to make them smart."

Speaking off-the-record, a Chloro-Grow scientist revealed that the secret ingredient in the new super-fertilizer was discarded periodicals and shredded textbooks -- including many from districts that banned the teaching of evolution.

"We never thought the potatoes would use their eyes to actually read what they were eating," the scientist told us. "The 'digest-adigest' program was designed to be both economical and to recycle paper goods."

Weekly World News was granted access to the potato leader, who goes by the name of Duncan. [Potatrios?] He was able to communicate by blinking Morse code with his eyes.

"We never wanted conflict with humans," he told us. "We read about TV. We only wanted to see The Apprentice."

Currently, the potatoes are being kept on a specially built couch at the USDA. They no longer read but watch television 24/7.

"I guess they weren't so wise after all," said Bauman. "Unless you mean the potato chips."
Further proof that evolution theory is dangerous. The Apprentice, too.


karmic_jay said...


karmic_jay said...

Send it to Atrios?

Eli said...

Nah, he won't care.

Actually, I was wondering if the story was written by a Dune fan, since Dune has a character named Duncan Idaho.

Of course, that assumes that this story is largely made-up...

Eli said...

(I wonder if there really is a "Starchless County"...)

karmic_jay said...

I noticed the starchless county too, a qucik google did not come up with anything other than weekly world news :)

Zap Rowsdower said...

No doubt these potatoes were bred by nuts-o paramilitary militias.

Eli said...

I think Zap has given voice to our deepest, darkest fear.

Anonymous said...

Greets to the webmaster of this wonderful site! Keep up the good work. Thanks.