Sunday, December 17, 2006

Sunday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part I

So I picked up an actual hardcopy of the Weekly World News last night, sucked in by the alluring headline, "WORLD'S FATTEST CAT SAVES CHRISTMAS!", and let me tell you, I was not disappointed. Hell, I may even have to get a subscription (free Bat Boy t-shirt!).
The Amberson family lived in a trailer park, which was all they could afford after George was laid off from the Hohman Steel Mill.

"Heck, with gas and oil prices being so darn high it was a struggle just to keep warm," George told Weekly World News. "I didn't know how we were going to afford food, let alone Christmas presents."

(...)

"Timmy took it like a real trooper, and after brushing away his tears he asked if he could have a dollar to get a present for his pet cat, Robie. It hurt like hell to tell him that Robie would have to go without this year just like the rest of us... not that Robie was suffering, mind you. You catch the size of that cat? But I even thought I saw sadness in the eyes of that big old stray who was curled next to my son to keep him warm. It was as if he actually understood what I was saying."

A few days after that melancholy father-son chat, the cat began exhibiting unusual behavior.

"He would claw at the door to be let out," said Agnes. "That fat cat hardly ever moved much less tried to go outside.... Robie would be gone all night before returning exhausted at dawn."...

"Then, on Christmas Eve, George and I put up a tree we had made from cardboard and decorated it with tin foil balls and chicken bones painted to look like candy canes...."

"The next morning we were awakened by Timmy squealing with joyous laughter. I dragged myself into the eating area and, lo and behold, there was a real Christmas tree, festooned with silver glitter and topped with a decorative angel, its cool evergreen scent filling the air. Three presents lay wrapped at the base of the tree.

"Sitting in the middle of all this Yuletide joy was Robie, all decked out in a Santa Claus beard and hat, as fat and sassy as ol' St. Nick himself!

"As we opened the presents one by one, we realized what Santa Cat had been doing every night... All the gifts had been discards which he had repaired. There was a Super GI Action Man, still stained with cooking grease from the dump but sporting fresh clothes from an abandoned Kenneth doll and a fresh green head from a Captain Alien figure. There was a fishing rod and reel made of tree branches and held together with twine, plus lures that were real dead flies. And there was a juicer for my wife, cobbled together from auto engine parts that had been gathered from a junkyard."

(...)

"Not only had the cat scrounged in dumpsters and landfill to find gifts, he had repaired and wrapped them!" Agnes said with amazement. "I guess it was Robie's way of showing his love for us. He was grateful that we had made him part of the family and wanted to do his part."

[The cat's efforts] lifted George Amberson from his depression. He went out and got a temporary job working the 'returns' counter at a local department store.... Now, a year later, George is the assistant manager of Mr. Potter's General Store and the family has moved into a new home.

"What's more, my prospects for the future have never looked better, since Mr. Potter is talking about retiring," George said. "I owe it all to that cat - a cat in a red felt hat."
See, this is why I love cats - they're always doing this sort of thing.

2 comments:

op99 said...

Timmy took it like a real trooper,...

Timmy? God bless us every one.

The Worsted Witch said...

I've been trying to locate that particular issue. Do you still have it and are you willing to part with it? I'd pay you, of course, if it's in decent condition.

Thanks so much!

Best,
Jasmin

Email: min-AT-swisscheesed-DOTCOM