Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

SCIENCE!!!

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Since the advent of the telescope, astronomers have been trying to answer the question "Are we alone in the universe?" Scientists still don't have the answer. But Dr. Al Ternet of the Institute for Miscellaneous Technology has answered a different question.

"I've always asked, 'Is our universe alone?' Now, I have proven the existence of a polyverse, an infinite number of universes, each with a slightly different version of Earth."

To make the concept easy to understand, Dr. Ternet described all existence as a roulette wheel, with each number being a different universe. "If you were a ball, you'd see a different reality every time the wheel was spun. I've managed to become that ball.

"I've created a device I call the Multi-Dimensional Revealer (MDR). Using a combination of sound and light at high frequencies, directed through a prism at certain intervals, I can open a small hole into the dimension that sits right beside our own on the universal roulette wheel."

We asked Dr. Ternet for a demonstration.

"You will be forced to change preconceived ideas about people and events," he warned.

We watched, astounded, as Dr. Ternet carefully chose latitudes and longitudes on the neighboring Earth -- called Earth B -- and showed us shocking sights:

•Bill Clinton was a celibate priest.
• George Bush was a college professor.
•A balding Donald Trump worked as a cashier in a pet shop.
•Paris Hilton ran a soup kitchen in the Third World.
•Britney Spears was a singer.

Among some of the political and cultural differences we saw on Earth B:

•The new Star Wars movie was good.
•Marijuana was legal but coffee was not.
•Iraq was our 51st state.
•Mexico possessed weapons of mass destruction.
•Weekly World News was on every library shelf and quoted on evening news programs.

Stunned by the demonstration, we asked Dr. Ternet how civilization will benefit from his invention.

"Civilization?" he said. "I intend to find an Earth where geniuses are considered sexier than rock stars and athletes. Then I'm going to live there."

Heh heh heh. "Dr. Al Ternet." God, I love these people.