Dear Pope Benedict XVI,
Right off the bat, let me congratulate you on getting yourself elected pope and tell you how glad I am you won. Mainly 'cause I had 50 bucks riding on you!
Your holiness, I've taken the liberty of sending you eight of my best ideas for fixing the Catholic church. Act on them pronto, sir. You look about 6 months younger than the pope who just kicked the bucket, so there's no time to waste.
1. Bring back those oldfashioned "penguin suits" for nuns. Folks oughta be able to take one look at your holy ladies and know they're not just Plain Janes whose mamas never taught 'em about makeup. And while you're at it, give them the go-ahead to start whacking uppity brats with rulers again.
2. Start going medieval on those pedophile priests. Drag up all the old torture devices from the Spanish Inquisition, like the rack and the Iron Maiden, from the Vatican basement, dust 'em off -- and wipe that scum off the face of the Earth.
3.Teach priests Irish accents. Anyone who's seen old-time movies with stars like the late, great Barry Fitzgerald as padres knows that heartwarming "top of the morning to you" stuff is essential.
4. Replace all altar boys with altar girls -- ages 18 and up. That'll discourage boy-crazy fruitcakes from becoming priests. Shorten the altar girls robes to show a little thigh and I betcha that'll double church attendance in no time flat.
5.Priests need better costumes -- so replace robes with black leather jackets. Make the outfits cool enough and I guarantee you, plenty of Italian youths will dream of getting ordained instead of becoming "made men."
6.Let parishioners vote on saints by a show of hands. Mind you, sometimes you'll get goofy ones like "Saint Di" and maybe even "Saint Oprah" when Ol' Tubby is pushing up daisies. But let ordinary folks get in on the excitement and Mass will soon be as popular as American Idol.
[The last two were kinda mediocre]
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