After an extensive search process, I believe I may have located an ideal replacement:
Two nightclubs known as Club Paris will no longer be associated with their namesake -- Paris Hilton, according to the club's owner.She's perfect! The country wouldn't even miss a beat! She even carries a little dog around with her!
Fred Khalilian said he "fired" the hotel heiress because she has failed to attend scheduled appearances at the location in downtown Orlando. The troubles started two years ago when Hilton showed up six hours late for the grand opening, Khalilian said.
"She's created a circus for herself," he said. "It's all about: How has she screwed up now?"
Khalilian does not want to change the name of the Orlando club, or one opened in Jacksonville last year, because he said the name is so well known. Instead of Club Paris representing Hilton, it will stand for the city, Khalilian said.
Sadly, she does not meet the minimum age requirement to run for president, so a Constitutional amendment may be required.
Hey, how old is K-Fed?