So, this is Sci-Fi Channel's Memorial Day Weekend monster movie marathon, and as a public service, I thought I would provide a high-level overview of the proceedings thus far, or at least the proceedings that I have watched significant chunks of. I'm no Codename V, but it would be a shame to let such masterpieces go undocumented.
Alien Fury
Star Power: Chyna (allegedly female wrestler), Stephen Tobolowsky (that guy who wanted to sell Bill Murray insurance in Groundhog Day), Paul Schulze (one of Kiefer Sutherland's neverending string of bosses on 24).
Synopsis & Highlights: Nitrogen-breathing space aliens are hiding an invasion fleet on the far side of the moon. Or maybe it's a Department of Defense hoax, perpetrated by Slimy DoD Guy. Or maybe the hoax is a hoax, and Slimy DoD Guy is trying to cover up the reality to protect his alien overlords? Anyway, people with inhalers are not to be trusted, and DoD security chief Chyna likes to kill people with her taser. Oh, and there's a Will Smith-wannabe scrappy cop trying to get to the bottom of his undercover partner's death at Chyna's hands. Bizarre confrontation between cop and Slimy DoD Guy, who turns out to be the head undercover alien, who does variation on Plan Nine From Outer Space "Your stupid minds! Stupid, stupid!" speech. With him out of the way thanks to some inhaler issues, the cop and the undercover alien's wife talk the nitrogen aliens out of invading. I think they might hook up at the end, but I'm not really sure...
Webs
Star Power: Richard Grieco. That's it. Just Richard Grieco. Richard Grieco can carry an entire movie all by his lonesome.
Synopsis & Highlights: Richard Grieco and his three dumbass electrician buddies find a Portable Nuclear Generator in an abandoned house they're working in. One of the dumbass buddies immediately fiddles with the Portable Nuclear Generator, activating a Transdimensional Portal. They go through it and find themselves in a parallel Chicago ruled by Evil People-Eating Spider People ruled by a Queen Spider who bites regular people and mutates them into Evil People-Eating Spider People. And she has boobs.
One of the electricians gets killed by the Evil People-Eating Spider People while trying to steal money from an abandoned armored car, and the rest of them meet up with the Anti-Evil-People-Eating-Spider-People Resistance (who will henceforth be known as the AEPESPR), who apparently worship electricians as gods, and tattooed electricians even more so. The non-Richard Grieco electricians escape back through the portal during an Evil People-Eating Spider People attack, then hotwire the Transdimensional Portal to come back for Richard Grieco. Unfortunately, being dumbasses, they do a crap job, and the Transdimensional Portal closes behind them.
Their only hope of return is to help the Old Scientist who created the Transdimensional Portal and got stuck on the spider side to create a new one. There are lots of attacks by the Evil People-Eating Spider People, and everyone gets killed except Richard Grieco and the Hot EAPESPR Ninja Babe that he hooks up with. Richard Grieco electrocutes the busty Queen Spider, and goes through the portal with the Hot EAPESPR Ninja Babe. Unfortunately, it takes them to Tropical Pterodactyl Chicago. Oops. The End.
Will post Saturday's inventory tomorrow. Sabretooths, Dinocrocs, Snakeheads, and severed limbs!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Brilliantly done, chief. Too bad I'm not in the frame of mind for bad sci-fi this weekend, or I'd be all over it.
Shucks. I am but a pale shadow of your movie-eviscerating genius.
Eli, you're doing a GREAT job. Of course, V does a great job telling us about the movies, too. I'm sure there are plenty of movies to go around. Perhaps, one day, I might watch a movie and write about it. I don't think I would be near as good as you two.
hey im waiting for this dvd to arrive....cant wait after this review!!!!!
Post a Comment