Monday, December 04, 2006

Shrubenfreude

So I was at the 7-11 getting some emergency replacement light bulbs (Quality Brite, because I know that the presence of the word "Quality" in the brand name is a well-known Hallmark Of Excellence, especially if some of the other words are deliberately misspelled), and the Globe's front-page caught my eye with BUSH DIVORCE SCANDAL EXPLODES!

I immediately realized that I would be remiss in my duties as a journalist if I failed to focus all of my finely honed observational faculties and critical thinking skills on this startling claim. Indeed, so keenly laser-like is my focus, that I will not even address the Kelly Ripa Humiliated By Rude Clay Aiken (She vows revenge) headline, other than to ask just how rock-bottom you have to be to be humiliated by Clay Aiken, and whether Kelly Ripa fancies herself a cartoon villain.
George and Laura Bush's teetering marriage is being threatened by an alarming new crisis - explosive revelations that promise to rip the lid off of their shocking private lives and trigger a huge public scandal!

The White House has learned that a bombshell tell-all book is being floated to publishing houses by an unknown senior staffer - a "deep throat" type of source.

President Bush has been told the book will expose the full extent of his drinking binges in the Oval Office, the dirty details of his tattered marriage to Laura and also his secret meetings with a mystery woman, which are linked to rumors that his dad cheated on his mom Barbara.

(...)

"An expose of the White House scandals would be the last nail in the coffin of President Bush's hopes," says political historian Will Silvestri.

"He wants to be regarded well by history, but his presidency is tarnished already.

"A permanent record of his personal and public tribulations would put him on a tall pedestal in the Presidential Hall of Shame!"

In a series of world exclusives, GLOBE has exposed the deep-rooted problems in the Bush marriage and Laura's continued threats to divorce the president unless he changes his ways - and steers romantically clear of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. [Spocko beat me to the scoop on a previous installment, but I am determined to have the last laugh. Ha, ha!]

GLOBE also disclosed how his drinking sprees have alarmed Laura, causing her to urge him to go through rehab and dry out once more.

(...)

"And there are plenty of not-so-quiet whispers of drunkenness in the White House at the worst possible moments," [says the insider.]

"Maybe, whoever is writing this book knows what really is going on between the president and Condi."
Is any of this true? It would, as the saying goes, be irresponsible not to speculate. Besides, the story's already out there now, so I'm just reporting on it, and not prejudging in any way. Hopefully the major news outlets will do the same: "Some say president's marriage and beverages are on the rocks. Others say he's sort of competent some of the time. Which is it? We don't care."

13 comments:

lotus said...

Fair makes ya dizzy, huh, Eli?

When was that last go-round of the checkout-lane LAURA MOVES OUT -- TO THE WILLARD! (or wherever) splashout? This summer sometime, I think? Was it the Globe then too?

We been having so much hilarity an' all, I disremember . . .

lotus said...

Oh, and ... don't laugh, okay? ... WHO are Kelly Ripa and Clay Aiken, zackly?

Eli said...

I would not be surprised at all if it was the Globe - it kinda looks like their beat.

Kelly Ripa is Regis Philbin's excessively perky co-host, and Clay Aiken was the runner up in (IIRC) Season Two of American Idol. And no, I do not watch it - I would sooner die.

Donna said...

I nominate you for the Globe Watch beat, eli. This could be the gig that breaks this blog out of the C-listers right into the B-listers! I gotta make sure to update my links and ride your coattails, buddy, pal, ol' chum!

That post was truly hilarious, you really should pick up the Globe when you have writers block. I'd like to see how you cover the Weekly World News too. LOL

op99 said...

When was that last go-round of the checkout-lane LAURA MOVES OUT -- TO THE WILLARD! (or wherever) splashout? This summer sometime, I think? Was it the Globe then too?

'Twas The Wayne Madsen Report, Lotus.

From the Globe:

In a series of world exclusives, GLOBE has exposed the deep-rooted problems in the Bush marriage and Laura's continued threats to divorce the president unless he changes his ways - and steers romantically clear of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Why doesn't Laura threaten to divorce him if he doesn't get out of Iraq?

Eli said...

Heh. Thanks, Donna. I'm not sure I'm even C-list yet - and I actually do post something from the Weekly World News every Wednesday.


Why doesn't Laura threaten to divorce him if he doesn't get out of Iraq?

Because she doesn't give a shit about other people dying.

Jenny from the Blog said...

Because she doesn't give a shit about other people dying.

What Eli said.

spocko said...

Oh Eli. You I'm more than happy to allow you the last laugh on this one. That means that all the people looking for News on George and Laura's wedding will flock to YOU. Next they will want to know, who is Linsey Hohand sleeping with NOW? Is she wearing underwear? And what about Britney? Does she still believe in the President? Or did her failed marriage to Kfed turn her off to ALL men, no matter how tought they appear on TV?

You will become the new Pink is the New Blog! Or maybe, the new "I don't like you in that Way" or the Superficial! Only about political sex scandel, no wait that is Wonkette with all the political sex stuff. But SHE SUCKS! There I said it and I'm glad. It pissed me off for FRAKING years that the mainstream press rolled out Annie Marie Cox as an example of the liberal blogs "She can talk about ass fraking, isn't she cute" when were had a god damn war going on.
Woops getting a bit testy there.

But seriously, when I posted the Bush and Laura stuff from the Globe I got a ton of hits. It's because they don't have a website. and I bothered to transcribe. I didn't do the whole article though, you know because the Last think I want is some Globe reporters to come looking for me. With them and Spocko's Vendetta out to get me I'd REALLY be in trouble...

spocko said...

Man what a mess of a post. Typo much? Sorry.

Do check out the comments from Spocko's Vendetta on my blog.

As I'm sure the shadowy and mysterious Code name V will tell you, having an alias is a good thing, especially when the sales manager from ABC Radio Disney says, "your slander and libel regardin "shitty" is going to cost you. he's saying chivy like some guy from texas. it would be so out of context to rip the advertiser during sussman's stellar live endorsement that it wouldn't make sense. be careful spocko. they're coming for you for lying to their advertisers"

Eli said...

That means that all the people looking for News on George and Laura's wedding will flock to YOU.

Hasn't really happened yet; just this one demented all-caps stalker from SMU. Their admissions standards must be nonexistent. Or maybe they actively recruit psychos.


Note to stalker: Make something - anything - resembling a substantive argument, and I'll let your comments stay, no matter how vulgar and stupid they are. Like that'd ever happen.

Sanjay said...

Heh. Why am I not surprised?

Anonymous said...

DON'T WORRY YOU LUNATIC LEFT. GEORGE BUSH IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. WATCH OUT WITH THAT NSA SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S LISTENING.YOU FUCKERS, DON'T YOU KNOW THEY HAVE ALL YOUR RECORDS

Anonymous said...

DON'T WORRY YOU LUNATIC LEFT. GEORGE BUSH IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. WATCH OUT WITH THAT NSA SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S LISTENING.YOU FUCKERS, DON'T YOU KNOW THEY HAVE ALL YOUR RECORDS